Wii My Ass, Part Deux

Ok so here I sit amazed at the fact that I have had over three hundred and fifty-one comments regarding my blog “Wii fit my ass.” If you haven’t read the tales of my ultimate embarrassment yet, please do so NOW. Many of the people commenting are fellow people of….stature… that commiserate with me and my plight of the “self-resetting video game.” Others have suggested that the resetting of the game alone should be motivation to get into shape, yeah…go eat a cheeseburger and fries and then tell me that. This blog has turned out to be deeply disturbing to me and caused my a lot of mental pain and anguish. Think I could sue Nintendo? I have wondered what would happen if Nintendo was an evil empire ruler?

{Enter dream sequence}

It’s the 22nd century and Nintendo has taken over the world with the evil emperor Wii and his sidekick Wii Fit. I am sure that at first the humans fought valiantly against this evil regime, but in the end Donkey Kong, Mario brothers and the rest proved to be too hard to defeat. Unfortunately, Nintendo ultimately prevailed and has taken over the world as we know it forcing all the companies in the free world to adapt to its business model, “The Nintendo Doctrine,” and now this is what the world has become…

Otis elevator has produced the first “Wii Fit elevator.” Imagine if you will, stepping into the “el-Wii-vator” elevator, smoothly a voice says “Please register and supply your weight and desired floor” So you enter the information as requested. I types my name “Raymond” and weight “Withheld for the purpose of this blog” and “15” for the floor. “Yeah right” smirks the voice. “You can go to the 5th floor and then walk your happy-butt up the stairs from there” Wii Fit STRIKES AGAIN.

Ford motor company has produced the first series of cars according to “The Nintendo Doctrine,” The Ford “Wii-wagon” which gets unlimited miles per gallon …for the thin people. Before you can start the “Wii-wagon” you have to register your name and destination into the “WiiPS” system. I awkwardly sit down and type my name into the onboard computer, and then I type “Burger King” into the “WiiGPS.” The voice again says “Welcome Raymond, based upon the pressure on the driver’s seat, your destination has been altered to Subway” “Crap” I scream. Wii Fit STRIKES AGAIN.

Not to be outdone by other automobile manufacturers, Nintendo creates their own automobile, the “VWii.” This new compact has a many new added features, the old constant “binging” you hear when your seat belt isn’t fastened has now been rerouted to the driver’s seat. Now that cacophony noise “bings” constantly based upon the weight of the driver, the fatter you are the more it “bings.” Therefore, people of girth eventual just give up and walk to their desired destination. Wii Fit STRIKES AGAIN.

Thank goodness, that model eventually is upgraded to the New VWii. Instead of the constant noise pollution in your ear, the car simply quits running after a given number of miles based upon the driver. Me, I go a few feet out of my driveway before the engine shuts down and must be rebooted. I am sure I heard an “evil” laugh just as it dies for the third time and I didn’t even get out of my housing complex. Wii Fit STRIKES AGAIN.

“The Nintendo Doctrine” swiftly storms all manufacturers, including household items as well. The “Wii-pool” refrigerator is the newest side-by-side appliance that comes in many colors and reasonably priced. One catch, the consumer must register with the new bio-ID grip on the door handle that captures your fingerprints of the person opening the door. After three times of opening the refrigerator door it locks for a period of 8 hours before it can be opened again. Of course the upgraded software can be purchased which allows access to the “crisper” draw to get at your celery and carrot sticks. Wii Fit STRIKES AGAIN.

Oh my God, is this the future of our world. Is this the future you want for your kids and grandkids? No. So I say to you now “Fat people of the world unite…after lunch of course” overthrow the evil Nintendo Corporation now before it’s too late. The next Wii Fit console you encounter must be dealt with quickly and severely. Quickly pick it up and throw it in the trash, save the person that has been enslaved to Nintendo’s evil agenda. Also, smack them…not to wake them up or anything…just ‘cause they need it for buying such a cruel and evil torture machine.