Why your doctor should kiss you

Ok I know the title of this blog just screams to you what I am going to talk about, but damn it, it’s my blog if you want to write about a surprise ending then get your own damn space. Today was a very frustrating day, at least from the consumer point of view.  I had a doctor’s appointment at 1pm and was advised to be there early “…you need to fill out some paper work,”  which loosely translates to we have useless piles of paper for you to color on to keep you busy while the doctor runs twenty minutes late.

OK…OK… to the point…so after waiting for twenty minutes I decide to be a conscientious consumer and I return to the desk with the lady wearing the Sponge Bob scrubs and pony tail and stare her straight in the eyes and say “how much is today’s visit going to cost?”

Suddenly I realized I just asked her to unlock DaVinci’s code, explain the inner workings of the atom bomb or converse in Farsi while running uphill, what was I thinking… asking such an impossible question, MY BAD.  Seriously, lady come on, why the deer in the headlight look?  I thought it was a very simple question. “How much will it cost to see the doctor?” So she did what any highly-trained-effective-take-charge kind of leader would do, she ask me to have a seat and wait while she would ask someone.  “Ask someone” “Ask someone” Are you friggin kidding me, “ask someone.” Isn’t there a chart for these little minor inconveniences of billing your patients, I guess I can see how that chart could get easily overlooked.

So I sat and waited…and waited, finally my name was called to see the doctor with no answer to my very simple question. Finally after a fifteen minute conversation with the doctor I was escorted to another doctor in another part of the building.  Again I made the fatal error of asking the dreaded question. Come on people even McDonalds has a chart hanging from the ceiling telling me what I going to pay for a Big Mac, fries and large coke. Why not my doctor?  How about a menu like a restaurant, that way I can pick my appetizer of rudeness, main course of the doctor running late and a desert of no real answer from the doctor.  Never mind the upsize. Hell, even Sears runs ads in the paper so that you see what they’re going to bill you, even before you enter the building. Now that’s service.

So after a combined time of almost 55 minutes talking to two different doctors and seeing a parade of Sponge Bob, Scooby Doo and Hello Kitty scrubs walk past my examination room without a word, I am escorted to the checkout office.  There I am met with an equally intellectual woman sporting her favorite cartoon character on her scrubs as well; my God it looked like Walt Disney blew up all over those nurses.

She peers at me over her glasses and asks for my insurance cards, at which time I explain I am paying cash and have been trying for over an hour now to figure the cost of today’s Disney on parade.  She sighs and says “Oh a cash discount is in order, that’ll be $296.00”

I am sorry, “I thought you said $296.00 dollars.” “Yes and that’s with the discount Mr. Modglin” My jaw hit the floor, $300 for an hour to talk to a modern day medicine man. I know it cost a lot of money to go to med school, but damn is he trying to make it all up on me? I asked with a huge smile on my face “…from where did that price come from?” She pointed to ‘the chart’ and said “right here, see the doctor’s notes it says $355.”  So you don’t know that to be true I asked her. Yes she smiled again and said “see the doctor said so, that’s why.”  Well Perry Mason how do you argue against the crafty “because I said so” defense.

As I left the doctor’s office I felt violated, not in a medical sense but in a consumer sense. Nowhere could ANYBODY tell me the price of that visit, no billboard, no menu no written advertisements not even an eye chart. The doctor was the only one there that could tell his billing department how much it costs, thank God he was there to fill in that blank area of billing. I turned back to the receptionist, Miss Sponge Bob, and asked if I could have a kiss, a hug, a dinner date at least buy me a drink; because if I spend $300 in an hour I expect a little something in return.  That’s why your doctor should kiss you when you go to visit him …at least with the Real Estate Monkey